Why You Hate Networking and How to Change That
6 insights from a Google Exec
Look at your LinkedIn page. How many connections do you have? Most likely hundreds or even thousands. Is that your network? I would say no, and we will see why.
A couple of days ago, I finished an Executive Leadership program alongside 100 other participants who wanted to explore how to become better, more effective leaders by increasing their influence and impact. There were a lot of exciting sessions, but the one on networking struck me as the most important.
I will summarize some of the findings on networking that emerged from the discussions we had. Some of them may be straightforward, while others are quite surprising.
First things first: Why do you hate networking?
For most, networking feels uncomfortable or even dirty. This was something that everyone from the group confirmed and experienced themselves. It is something “we needed to do,” and because we saw it that way, it required more energy from us.
A few outliers also said they enjoyed networking and that it was fun. What was different for them? And why did I find networking hard to do in the past? I blamed it on my introversion, but it seemed that there was more to it.
My findings were that networking seemed hard to do because it was presented as one-sided. When I first learned about networking, it was described like this: You need to build a network, add people in, and not ask them for something now but prepare to benefit in the future. This seemed sneaky and was not aligned with who I was. No wonder I was pretty bad at it.
But networking is not bad if you really get its actual value. The key for me was discovering the reasons for building a network.
It’s not just about what you can get from your network but also what you can offer. This paints a win-win situation that is beneficial for everyone. Once I moved from seeing networking as a unidirectional relationship to a bi-directional one where both parties benefit, networking seemed more effortless.
To change how you feel about networking, you need to change how you view networking.
Thinking not only about what you can get from a network but also about where you can contribute creates a big shift in mindset. It also guides you on what networks you can develop and where you can contribute the most.
This has helped me see networking as something fun where I can learn about new things and contribute and help others. Now, that was more aligned with who I was and most likely resonates better with you, too.
How big is your network?
We started in breakout rooms to talk about our network. Some said they had just a few people in their network, while others were more in the 100s or even 1000s. It was clear to us at that point that we were comparing apples to oranges. We needed to understand what a network is for us to be able to assess its size.
Networking is not just adding contacts to a list but building meaningful relationships.
This brings the question of how many meaningful connections you have.
Given the high degree of subjectivity, it’s hard to judge the term meaningful connection, so we tried to find something more quantitative. How often we interact with people is a metric that can be used to classify our relationships in our network. The more interactions we have, the better the odds are that the connection will be meaningful. There are exceptions to the rule, but they are exceptions.
If we think of it in layers, there are people we interact with daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly. With people with whom you interact less frequently than yearly, chances are that those connections fade away in time.
Looking at interactions and frequency gives a better sense of who is in your network and how well you know them. One thing we all agreed on in our breakout rooms was that the quality of connections is far more critical than just the network size.
Your LinkedIn connections are not your network. To find out your real network, you need to start by determining how many interactions you have with the people you know.
To get a good snapshot of your network, think about the people you are interacting with during a year and the frequency of those interactions. This would give you a good view of the size of your network. Remember, your network is dynamic. You are gaining and losing folks as time goes by.
Why would you need a network?
I could start by telling you the classic answer about how it will help you have better career opportunities or get you into places outside your reach. I like to interact with people with different perspectives and backgrounds because they enhance my worldview.
The more you see the world for what it is, the better you can navigate through it and achieve what you want.
When it comes to sharing ideas and perspectives, 1+1 does not always equal 2; the result may be bigger than that.
Another thing I do is make sure I contribute back in order for my network to benefit from my presence. I try to bring my unique perspectives to fit in the missing pieces of someone else’s puzzle.
Interacting with different people will also make you “luckier” by increasing your luck surface and exposure to opportunities.
A strong network increases the chances of success and will make you appear lucky from the outside.
Learnings & insights into networking
Let’s get into some learnings and controversies around networking. I have discovered some during the program, and others I learned from mentors or experience.
1. It’s the access, not the numbers
We were talking in the breakout room about our networks and just realized that even though I have a small number of folks in my close network, I had the most access.
You don’t need 100s of people in various industries to gain access to other people or precious pieces of information you could benefit from. You may have a highly connected one that gives you access to all of the above.
The trick with getting those few individuals in your network is that they are usually very hard to attract and in high demand, but once you have them, a whole range of possibilities will open. The cost of maintaining the relationship is lower than having 100 folks.
You also have to be somebody who can provide value to get into that person’s network. It’s not an easy task, but it can provide dividends.
2. You have to be intentional
Like most things, you have to be intentional when you are creating or expanding your network because it will not happen by magic, or it will happen, but you will not have the network that you desire.
There is effort required to grow and maintain a network, so it does not come for free. Any network will require effort to maintain it, so in the end, put that energy in for the right network.
You may be looking for a mentor inside your company or for an investor for your startup. This may prompt you what are the next steps you need to take. Go to company retreats or join startup events more regularly.
3. You need to get better at “cold calling”
By cold calling, I try to capture cold emails, cold intro at a party, or, why not, cold calling. This is how you can get new people in your network. The first step is to introduce yourself and get a few minutes of their time.
One of the best professors I know who lectures at Georgetown University hosted a training on networking at my company. He challenged us with the following task: “Add someone in our network that could change your lives and careers in a very impactful way.”
The challenge was meant for us to punch above their weight. We weren’t even thinking about this. We rushed to see what our list would be of such influential individuals. There would probably be more strikes than touchdowns in our attempts, but we only needed one, and that would be enough to make a difference.
Adam Grant has a good piece on how to grab attention and get somebody who is very influential to respond. People like that receive a lot of messages and requests, so why should they bother responding to your email? It turns out there are ways to balance curiosity and utility in an email subject line showing that you have done your homework and highlighting uncommon commonalities. If you don’t know the article, I suggest you read it. It will skyrocket your chances of someone replying to your email.
What is your list of influential people that, if you had in your network, would impact your life considerably?
4. You need to give before you ask. The law of 1
Usually, folks hesitate to help or give you something if they have just met you. The bigger the ask, the bigger the hesitation. Time is required for the relationship to evolve for asks to be made.
It depends a lot on the seniority, influence, and status of each individual and the rapport between you and them, but usually, it is best not to ask for something from someone you have just met.
You need to wait and provide value in the meantime. The same Georgetown University professor shared something they were doing personally. Every time they met somebody new, they waited at least a year before asking for something in return, meanwhile trying to provide value for them.
Imagine not asking somebody for something for a year and building towards that ask. If this is not intentional, I don’t know what it is.
5. Increasing your value decreases your effort
The more value you can provide, the less effort you need to put into building and keeping your network because others will ensure they contact you.
Naval Ravikant has a controversial view on networking. He considers business networking a total waste of time. His philosophy is more like this: “Be a maker who makes something interesting people want. Show your craft, practice your craft, and the right people will find you”.
The gist is that if you build something interesting, more people will want to know you. Just don’t forget to show and practice your craft so that others find out about you.
I think more towards a balanced approach. You get outstanding in your field and are well known, but you deliberately try to get exposure to other areas that can exponentially increase your impact through the power of your network.
6. You’ve built it, and now you need to maintain it
The problem with big networks is that you must maintain them; otherwise, they will shrink. The energy you have to put in is not only in the building phase but also afterward.
What is the best size for a network? It is up to you how much energy you can dedicate to it. It depends on how many meaningful interactions you can have daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly and with how many people.
You are the limiting factor of your network size.
The fewer touchpoints you have during a year with somebody, the less meaningful the relationship is becoming. You have to do your math and see how many people you have on each level. When you sum it all up, this will leave you with the number of people in your network. Keep in mind networks are dynamic; they grow and shrink.
Last remarks
Networking is not something we broadly enjoy, and that is because we are looking at it from the wrong angle. It feels uncomfortable, and it’s that way mainly because we see networking as unidirectional. Being part of a network is about contributing and receiving, making the network stronger in the end, and uplifting others and ourselves in the process.
Unsuccessful people usually approach it by just asking and not giving back.
From the prehistoric times, we found strength in groups and tribes. Everybody was contributing, and everyone was taken care of and ripped the benefits. Through the years, those governing forms have evolved, and now we have networks of people who interact with each other to make the pie bigger for everyone.
If you enjoyed this blog post, you can share it with your network. It will only take a few seconds but will mean the absolute world to me.
Keep in touch,
Daniel
